Mini Obsessions - Part 3, London to Brighton Mini Run!!

I think my wife Leesa is unusual in thinking real mini’s look a bit ridiculous. Leesa’s a fashion designer who prefers her cars low and wide, like Jaguar’s XJS. She gets the whole ‘mini thing’, but also believes most people look silly driving them, whereas most girls seem to love the mini’s aesthetics if not the actual experience of being transported in one. After spending a whole weekend in the Cooper for the 50th London to Brighton Mini run last summer, Leesa decided it was the most uncomfortable, noisy, rusty, rubbish car she had ever been in. Fair play; anyone who has owned a mini can relate to at least one of those adjectives and yet she loved the experience. Leesa was also good enough to design and print some special ‘the Italian Job’ T-shirts for us, we knew the film was being shown on the Saturday night and she made sure we all had our own individual photographic stills and quotations from the original 1969 classic. It was quite hard choosing lines that were both funny and personal. Of course we wanted to choose dialogue that was slightly more obscure, so people would clearly understand how much we loved this film and de facto the Mini. Despite feeling very cool in our bespoke t-shirts we also felt we had missed a commercial trick when we arrived at Crystal Palace and saw people lining up and handing over large sums of cash to purchase very boring looking t-shirts that weren’t half as good as our Leesa’s.Our Mini Cooper (called Pickle due to the number plate ending PKL) is a 1996 1275 cc multi point injection version, which didnt impress my wife (as detailed already) or my mechanic, who says a carburettor set up allows much smoother running and that Rover / BMW never developed the fuel injection properly in the first place. (An opinion I have no reason to doubt coming as it does from a man who recently rebuilt a Honda Type R engine in his spare time). However my reasoning for purchasing a 1996 model mini, was that it had the last major update before it went out of production (e.g. MPI, airbag, side impact bars, new seats) and was a ‘real’ cooper and therefore should hold some sort of value. My wife knows good value when she sees it and when she saw it for the first time, with its faded charcoal paint, its rusty front end, its bubbly doors, dented roof and filthy seats, she immediately knew I had over spent. We did what we could to make Pickle more presentable, my brother and I spending the best part of the weekend before the L2B run cleaning the car (neither of us can do anything mechanical). My mechanic also took off me the cash equivalent of a further 25% of the Minis purchase price, in order to get it ready for its first big trip out. Leesa’s scepticism over my choice of mini prior to the trip was whole heartedly confirmed once we she saw the other minis and realised how boringly common and unkempt our standard cooper was by comparison. Why hadn’t we bought a 1100 or a Mary Quant special, or just made ours different in some way?! The customisation people achieve with their Minis is truly awesome and the event did initially make us feel like big fat frauds bringing along as we had a Mini that– despite all the polishing- had so obviously received such little recent care or attention. Having said that, everyone we spoke to was very polite about mini pickle.

The London to Brighton run itself was fantastic and amazingly well organised by the London and Surrey Mini Owners Club. As the light faded on Saturday evening, we all watched the 1969 original ‘The Italian Job’ on the biggest screen I have ever seen, the whole crowd shouting out the famous lines “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!” as we sat in the very spot the scene was filmed. An evening we will never forget. We won’t forget the next morning either.
It was our first time doing the L2B run, so we were unaware of the four o’clock start and having slept for approximately twelve minutes, we were awoken in our tents by the bark of angry A-series engines. After fumbling for torches and unzipping sleeping bags, we established that we weren’t about to be run over in our beds (there were men in high-vis jackets keeping things in check), it was just the more experienced Mini drivers getting their ‘wheels in-line’ for an early exit out of Crystal Palace later that morning. Despite the sleep deprivation and the hasty tent packing in the dark and rain (to make way for yet another line of minis), this was fun and exciting. The two hour queue on the way out was less so. It was mainly due to the logistical nightmare of arranging a world record attempt for the longest unbroken and moving line of Minis ever. We were all quite proud to have been part of this and were all very pleased when it was confirmed that the previous record had been smashed by an extra 500 Minis, the new record now stands at 1450 Minis in total. However, by the time we had crawled out of the Palace grounds, to sit in the London traffic, all four occupants of Mini Pickle were in dire need of the toilet. My brother Alastair who did the driving on the day admitted recently that he nearly did relieve himself where he sat, the pain being that excruciating. I’m obviously very glad he resisted. With the traffic at a standstill and no public conveniences in sight, we resolved the toilet issue by turning into a suburban side road, where we found a line of garages with a nicely overgrown hedge and in the middle of South-West London and in broad daylight, took it in turns to relieve ourselves. Not our proudest moment, but we were desperate and punishment was duly meted out in any case....as we got back into Pickle we realised a swarm of green fly had attached itself to our heads and clothing, this caused a two minute screaming session as we fought off the attack, squishing and swotting the little buggers as they launched themselves from surface to surface. Carnage quickly over and with a suspicious looking interior colour change, we were back on the road.
It took forever to get to Brighton, but the peculiar sense of British madness and mayhem along the route and the camaraderie shared across the CB radios was fantastic. Edel and myself had both bought CBs at the Birmingham mini event, but at the last minute Edel managed to lose her CB radio. I still don’t know how anyone can lose a four foot aerial. It gave our mini passengers the opportunity to speak to complete randomers across the airwaves which was very entertaining. Petrol stations on route looked quite bizarre with only minis queuing up for petrol, air and sweets. On the way down Theo and Pickle took it in turns to lead, we passed each other on a few occasions just to get some photos. On arrival in Brighton I recognised one of the organisers directing traffic down to the sea front as the ex-boyfriend of my ex-girlfriends ex-best friend (yes, a whole bunch of relationships that haven’t stood the test of time). Shouting his name from the passenger window (“Mike!”) in a friendly manner was a little embarrassing for me when I saw it had caused complete bemusement on his part, the momentary scan of my face revealed the worried look of a man thinking ‘why does this stranger know my name?’ I’m not the most memorable of people, but I had met Mike on many occasions. I’ve had dinner round his house and even did an army assault course for charity with him and his mates. It was quite entertaining for everyone else in our Mini that I looked like a stalker. If Mike’s helping out again this year, I really should go and re-introduce myself, but I will probably end up spontaneously shouting out his name as we again drive by, giving him an unsettling déjà-vu moment, that I will again have good cause to feel embarrassed about.
If you like minis then get yourself down to Brighton on the 16th May. Last year it took us nearly an hour to run out of minis as we walked from one end of the sea front to the other (towards the fish and chip shop end) and the sight and sounds of so many minis is intoxicating. Last year Paddy Hopkirk was the guest of honour. Paddy, the legend that he is, presented the grand prize winner of the raffle with a beaming smile and the keys to a shiny mid 90’s Mini Cooper. Yes, inevitably, it was charcoal grey cooper with a white roof...! The nice lady that won it got all emotional and as the tears of joy weld up in her eyes, you could see the crowds collective disappointment turn to stout approval, the mini clearly going to someone that appreciated it. Both Theo and Pickle will be attending this years mini run and if you anyone reading this is going, it would be very nice to make your acquaintance.
I will leave you with some of our ‘the Italian Job’ t-shirt quotes, although they don’t make for a synopsis of the film, I do think they rather encapsulate the humour. Enjoy:
“Out of jail five minutes and already I'm in a hot car” (referring to the Pakistani Ambassadors Daimler Majestic Major)

“Oh well, something quite obscene. With Annette.” (referring to an incident between Annette and Professor Peach...)
“There are some places which, to an Englishman, are sacred” (referring to his toilet)

“You are symptomatic of the lazy, unimaginative management which is driving this country on the rocks” (Mr Bridger referring to the governor of the prison)

“Listen, lads, er... you wouldn't hit a fella... with no trousers on” (Charlie Croker negotiating with Mr Bridger’s thugs)

“Well, gentlemen, it's a long walk back to England...and it's that way. Good morning” (Italian Mafia boss after he has crushed Charlie’s three fast cars and had them thrown down a ravine)

“Me in the back of the motor, with my asthma?” (Arthur moaning in the back of the Land Rover)
“Put your foot down, Tony. They're getting rather close” (one of the ‘chinless wonders’ worrying about the Polizia catching up)

“Hang on a minute, lads. I've got a great idea” (Charlie Croker, lying on his front at the wrong end of a bus dangling over a Swiss Alp)