Mini Obsessions - Part 3, London to Brighton Mini Run!!

I think my wife Leesa is unusual in thinking real mini’s look a bit ridiculous. Leesa’s a fashion designer who prefers her cars low and wide, like Jaguar’s XJS. She gets the whole ‘mini thing’, but also believes most people look silly driving them, whereas most girls seem to love the mini’s aesthetics if not the actual experience of being transported in one. After spending a whole weekend in the Cooper for the 50th London to Brighton Mini run last summer, Leesa decided it was the most uncomfortable, noisy, rusty, rubbish car she had ever been in. Fair play; anyone who has owned a mini can relate to at least one of those adjectives and yet she loved the experience. Leesa was also good enough to design and print some special ‘the Italian Job’ T-shirts for us, we knew the film was being shown on the Saturday night and she made sure we all had our own individual photographic stills and quotations from the original 1969 classic. It was quite hard choosing lines that were both funny and personal. Of course we wanted to choose dialogue that was slightly more obscure, so people would clearly understand how much we loved this film and de facto the Mini. Despite feeling very cool in our bespoke t-shirts we also felt we had missed a commercial trick when we arrived at Crystal Palace and saw people lining up and handing over large sums of cash to purchase very boring looking t-shirts that weren’t half as good as our Leesa’s.Our Mini Cooper (called Pickle due to the number plate ending PKL) is a 1996 1275 cc multi point injection version, which didnt impress my wife (as detailed already) or my mechanic, who says a carburettor set up allows much smoother running and that Rover / BMW never developed the fuel injection properly in the first place. (An opinion I have no reason to doubt coming as it does from a man who recently rebuilt a Honda Type R engine in his spare time). However my reasoning for purchasing a 1996 model mini, was that it had the last major update before it went out of production (e.g. MPI, airbag, side impact bars, new seats) and was a ‘real’ cooper and therefore should hold some sort of value. My wife knows good value when she sees it and when she saw it for the first time, with its faded charcoal paint, its rusty front end, its bubbly doors, dented roof and filthy seats, she immediately knew I had over spent. We did what we could to make Pickle more presentable, my brother and I spending the best part of the weekend before the L2B run cleaning the car (neither of us can do anything mechanical). My mechanic also took off me the cash equivalent of a further 25% of the Minis purchase price, in order to get it ready for its first big trip out. Leesa’s scepticism over my choice of mini prior to the trip was whole heartedly confirmed once we she saw the other minis and realised how boringly common and unkempt our standard cooper was by comparison. Why hadn’t we bought a 1100 or a Mary Quant special, or just made ours different in some way?! The customisation people achieve with their Minis is truly awesome and the event did initially make us feel like big fat frauds bringing along as we had a Mini that– despite all the polishing- had so obviously received such little recent care or attention. Having said that, everyone we spoke to was very polite about mini pickle.

The London to Brighton run itself was fantastic and amazingly well organised by the London and Surrey Mini Owners Club. As the light faded on Saturday evening, we all watched the 1969 original ‘The Italian Job’ on the biggest screen I have ever seen, the whole crowd shouting out the famous lines “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!” as we sat in the very spot the scene was filmed. An evening we will never forget. We won’t forget the next morning either.
It was our first time doing the L2B run, so we were unaware of the four o’clock start and having slept for approximately twelve minutes, we were awoken in our tents by the bark of angry A-series engines. After fumbling for torches and unzipping sleeping bags, we established that we weren’t about to be run over in our beds (there were men in high-vis jackets keeping things in check), it was just the more experienced Mini drivers getting their ‘wheels in-line’ for an early exit out of Crystal Palace later that morning. Despite the sleep deprivation and the hasty tent packing in the dark and rain (to make way for yet another line of minis), this was fun and exciting. The two hour queue on the way out was less so. It was mainly due to the logistical nightmare of arranging a world record attempt for the longest unbroken and moving line of Minis ever. We were all quite proud to have been part of this and were all very pleased when it was confirmed that the previous record had been smashed by an extra 500 Minis, the new record now stands at 1450 Minis in total. However, by the time we had crawled out of the Palace grounds, to sit in the London traffic, all four occupants of Mini Pickle were in dire need of the toilet. My brother Alastair who did the driving on the day admitted recently that he nearly did relieve himself where he sat, the pain being that excruciating. I’m obviously very glad he resisted. With the traffic at a standstill and no public conveniences in sight, we resolved the toilet issue by turning into a suburban side road, where we found a line of garages with a nicely overgrown hedge and in the middle of South-West London and in broad daylight, took it in turns to relieve ourselves. Not our proudest moment, but we were desperate and punishment was duly meted out in any case....as we got back into Pickle we realised a swarm of green fly had attached itself to our heads and clothing, this caused a two minute screaming session as we fought off the attack, squishing and swotting the little buggers as they launched themselves from surface to surface. Carnage quickly over and with a suspicious looking interior colour change, we were back on the road.
It took forever to get to Brighton, but the peculiar sense of British madness and mayhem along the route and the camaraderie shared across the CB radios was fantastic. Edel and myself had both bought CBs at the Birmingham mini event, but at the last minute Edel managed to lose her CB radio. I still don’t know how anyone can lose a four foot aerial. It gave our mini passengers the opportunity to speak to complete randomers across the airwaves which was very entertaining. Petrol stations on route looked quite bizarre with only minis queuing up for petrol, air and sweets. On the way down Theo and Pickle took it in turns to lead, we passed each other on a few occasions just to get some photos. On arrival in Brighton I recognised one of the organisers directing traffic down to the sea front as the ex-boyfriend of my ex-girlfriends ex-best friend (yes, a whole bunch of relationships that haven’t stood the test of time). Shouting his name from the passenger window (“Mike!”) in a friendly manner was a little embarrassing for me when I saw it had caused complete bemusement on his part, the momentary scan of my face revealed the worried look of a man thinking ‘why does this stranger know my name?’ I’m not the most memorable of people, but I had met Mike on many occasions. I’ve had dinner round his house and even did an army assault course for charity with him and his mates. It was quite entertaining for everyone else in our Mini that I looked like a stalker. If Mike’s helping out again this year, I really should go and re-introduce myself, but I will probably end up spontaneously shouting out his name as we again drive by, giving him an unsettling déjà-vu moment, that I will again have good cause to feel embarrassed about.
If you like minis then get yourself down to Brighton on the 16th May. Last year it took us nearly an hour to run out of minis as we walked from one end of the sea front to the other (towards the fish and chip shop end) and the sight and sounds of so many minis is intoxicating. Last year Paddy Hopkirk was the guest of honour. Paddy, the legend that he is, presented the grand prize winner of the raffle with a beaming smile and the keys to a shiny mid 90’s Mini Cooper. Yes, inevitably, it was charcoal grey cooper with a white roof...! The nice lady that won it got all emotional and as the tears of joy weld up in her eyes, you could see the crowds collective disappointment turn to stout approval, the mini clearly going to someone that appreciated it. Both Theo and Pickle will be attending this years mini run and if you anyone reading this is going, it would be very nice to make your acquaintance.
I will leave you with some of our ‘the Italian Job’ t-shirt quotes, although they don’t make for a synopsis of the film, I do think they rather encapsulate the humour. Enjoy:
“Out of jail five minutes and already I'm in a hot car” (referring to the Pakistani Ambassadors Daimler Majestic Major)

“Oh well, something quite obscene. With Annette.” (referring to an incident between Annette and Professor Peach...)
“There are some places which, to an Englishman, are sacred” (referring to his toilet)

“You are symptomatic of the lazy, unimaginative management which is driving this country on the rocks” (Mr Bridger referring to the governor of the prison)

“Listen, lads, er... you wouldn't hit a fella... with no trousers on” (Charlie Croker negotiating with Mr Bridger’s thugs)

“Well, gentlemen, it's a long walk back to England...and it's that way. Good morning” (Italian Mafia boss after he has crushed Charlie’s three fast cars and had them thrown down a ravine)

“Me in the back of the motor, with my asthma?” (Arthur moaning in the back of the Land Rover)
“Put your foot down, Tony. They're getting rather close” (one of the ‘chinless wonders’ worrying about the Polizia catching up)

“Hang on a minute, lads. I've got a great idea” (Charlie Croker, lying on his front at the wrong end of a bus dangling over a Swiss Alp)

Mini Obsessions Part 2 - Theo & Friends

My wife’s sister Edel. If she wasn’t quite so funny, charming and engaging you might possibly find her annoying. For example, if you are one of the unfortunate people who has to work alongside her, you might find her annoying because she is credited as being the best sales person in her entire company. And I’ve seen her at work, she makes it look easy. If you are in a photograph with Edel, she’s bound to look better than you, again a bit annoying. She also owns a fabulous Mini called Theo, which is also annoying, especially when it’s parked up next to my expensive but rotten Cooper Pickle. And if that wasn’t annoying enough, she has one last reason that would make ANY classic car owner not just annoyed, but stomach churning jealous. She has her own personal mechanic, who works on her Mini...FOR FREE. This person has over the past three years not only restored her Mini to tip top condition, but also maintains it, fixes it when it breaks, or bits fall off, or if Edel wants Theo improved or customised in some way.

Recently said personal mechanic has intimated that if she does get round to buying a rusty old Mini pick up, he will restore that too. Sickening isn’t it. The mechanic in question is Edels girlfriends dad, Ray. I won’t disclose his full name and address in case he’s inundated with rotten classics and pleas for free assistance in their restoration. In any case, he’s got his work cut out with Edels latest upgrades. Current work pencilled in includes replacing the drum brakes to Cooper discs, fitting a sunroof (changing the headlining whilst he’s at it) and improving the suspension. Ray is a retired Ford Dagenham plant worker and is one of those awe inspiring individuals who combines decades of engineering experience with raw natural talent for all things hands on. This is someone who has built four boats, just for fun. His last one was a Sun Cruiser, eleven metres in length and packing two Perkins diesel engines. Ray put the thing together, designing and building everything inside, from the floor up and all in his front garden. When you factor in the geography of Edel living with her girlfriend Michelle in Manchester with Michelle’s dad Ray living in Essex, you start to realise the enormity of what this man has achieved with Theo in the handful of weekends a year he gets his hands on it.

As you can see from the pictures, lucky lucky lucky Edel. Ray has turned her tired 1980 Austin Mini into a customised masterpiece (check the last pic). Ray does have a garage / garden shed combo Wallace & Gromit would be proud of. It includes a proper garage pit, tools, lathes, welding gear, and spray equipment, but you’ve got to know what you’re doing and Ray certainly does. Ray is very self-deprecating and I would imagine he would say he’s just sorted Edels mini out, ‘cleaned it up a bit’, when clearly a full blown restoration has taken place, check the pictures of Ray at work, which were taken over a recent weekend when the engine was overhauled. Highlights on that occasion included a new clutch, crankshaft oil seal, new master and slave cylinders, new exhaust, float valve for the carburettor, speedo cable, top and bottom hoses for the engine, new anti-freeze and a water pump. I dread to think what Rays efforts would have cost Edel if she was actually paying for the labour and that’s only the recent stuff.

Days before last year’s London to Brighton Mini run, Edel had a set of black revolution alloys fitted by an outfit in Leeds. On the drive back to Manchester Edel felt something was wrong and drove home slowly. When she phoned the shop to explain the worrying symptoms of vibration and strange tyre noises, the guy tried to fob her off, but Edel insisted he look it over. On the way back to Leeds Theo’s front drivers’ wheel broke free of its studs and bounced into the front window of a brand new Mercedes. That was the least of Edels concerns at the time as Theo’s front end crashed into the tarmac at 60 mph and started to drag the back end round to the front. Edel fought the steering and valiantly controlled the spin, Theo coming to an eventual stop, facing the wrong way on the hard shoulder, his front end stoved in but occupants, (Edel & Michelle) shaken but not hurt. Makes my story about losing one of my Mini’s hubcaps seem a little pedestrian. The driver of the Mercedes was also unhurt and was a very good sport about the whole thing. The accident had been caused by the idiot in Leeds over tightening the wheel nuts. When Ray found out he was spitting spanners for a good few hours. Michelle still wont tell her dad who did the work, so that they might be spared a visit from angry Ray. At the time it threw our London to Brighton plans into chaos, my mini Cooper Pickle was fully prepared, but Theo was in bits. Ray came to the rescue again and via the AA, Theo was transported to Rays workshop for a 48 hour marathon of body repairs and restoration work the A-Team would have been proud of. This is Edel all over, the only person outside Formula 1 who can crash a car and have it back on the road, with improvements, before tea time.

Edel has been unusually unlucky with her wheels before though and by ‘wheels’ I’m not trying to sound like a dude, I mean her actual wheels. The first problem was experienced when she kept the Mini on campus at Alseager. Someone quite unkindly loosened all the wheel nuts, so that when she drove off she very nearly lost all four corners, luckily she realised something was seriously wrong before leaving the car park. Theo’s also had more than his fair share of punctures, very strange.

As you might have guessed, Edel, like me, suffers from a Mini obsession. Weirdly, whilst finding the pics I needed for this blog I came across a comment Edel wrote on Facebook dated 23rd January last year, it reads ‘I think I have a mini obsession he has had a facelift and I love my new car x’ So we guessed right. No one knows this truth better than Michelle, Edels long suffering other half. Currently Michelle is trying to steer Edels Mini obsession clear of purchasing a trailer for Theo, one of those made out of the back portion of a dead mini. Yes, good luck with that Michelle...

Next blog post is about last years London to Brighton run, which seems fitting with all the current preparations for this years event, both Theo and Pickle have their silver tickets already. Pickle is about to be woken from his winter sleep in order to assess the inevitable deterioration, please wish me luck with that too....

Mini Obsessions - Part One

Warning: This series is exclusively about real minis made by Austin, Morris, British Leyland and Rover etc, from 1959 to 2000. Anyone wanting to read about those enormous modern ‘mini’ badged vehicles made after this time is not best served here (because in my opinion those cars are neither mini nor minis). However, this isn’t about bashing BMWs reinterpretation, just celebrating the real thing.

Why should any of us, even in the 21st century, have to justify our mini obsessions? The quiet madness of driving an original mini on a regular basis can easily be understood by what underpins all classic cars ownership...obsession. Obsession and passion even, surely need no explanation.

Lots of people still drive minis everyday. In 2000 I became one of them, being lucky enough to purchase an exquisite C registration (1985) Mini City E in Russet Brown, bought from an elderly neighbour. She was a hawk eyed pensioner who made full use of the excellent strategic position of her property at the entrance to our cul-de-sac. She had owned the mini for 9 years and only put 5 thousand miles on the clock. My Grandma knew her from when they were colleagues at Boots. The lady claimed she didn’t work for the money and that she kept her unopened wage packets in a draw at home. Silly bitch. The mini was maintained by her husband, who seemed to spend most of his time outside the house, keeping himself busy with all kinds of large and small maintenance jobs, including the upkeep of the mini. Seeing him changing the spark plugs and topping up the oil and water was the only reason I knew of the minis existence.

I came to enquire about its potential sale due to writing off my Saab 99 Turbo (whole other story) and so needed a cheap car. I happened to also really want a mini. I remember the purchase in snap shots, the first as I approached the old man with a speech prepared about giving the mini a good home, the next snap shot is of the test drive and that I will never forget. Stepping into the car, noting the immaculate chocolate brown interior, it started first time and easing the choke in a little and pulling out of the close, the mini felt like it was brand new. First and second gear dispensed with, I was suddenly doing 50 miles an hour without really trying. The front disc brakes felt unbelievably powerful after my heavy Saab, and the wonderful directness of the steering was a joy. Before I knew it, it was mine. It was a scenario every would be mini owner dreams of, finding an un-restored, low mileage mini in fantastic condition and all for £500 (including an early 70’s maintenance manual). I know all good condition minis look great, but this one was genuinely beautiful to look at, the combination of straight and unblemished panels and this particular shade of brown really made it stand out, to me at least.

The worst car sickness I ever suffered was when driving the mini. Not that I can blame the motion or the mini. It was hot summers morning that I crawled into my mini, clutching a nauseating hang-over and a plastic bag, destination: work in Thames Ditton. I made my way across the downs to sit in traffic on Ewell bypass. It’s very hard to be inconspicuous in a mini, driving a car so low off the ground means adjusting your trousers or picking your nose can be seen by anyone driving anything taller than Fiesta. That morning I also found that concealing being sick into an Asda bag whilst driving in 2 miles an hour traffic is virtually impossible.

You really can fit a lot in a mini, it’s not just something minis owners say, it is quite accurate. After a night out in Dorking with my girlfriend’s sisters mates, I offered to drive two of them home to Epsom. The couple that got into the back of the mini will remain nameless because I need to describe them accurately, but not necessarily diplomatically. They were both easily 16 stoners, yet both were surprised when they were able to find room for themselves without too much difficulty. The same can’t be said for the acceleration, which was somewhat blunted with the extra weight and rear visibility was zero, due to the solid wall of human on the back seat.

There is actually a reason this time for writing about a car I owned ten years ago and I will tell you what the reason is, because normally there isn’t one. The reason is my sister-in-law Edel. Her mini obsession started in 2004 when her dad brought home a brown, 1980 (W Reg) Austin mini. Theo (as her mini was christened) was a birthday present. Whilst Edel learnt to drive, Theo endured a whole year of total neglect, sinking into the pavement outside her mum and dads house. However, once licensed Edels mini obsession finally took hold and in a very big way. When I first saw Theo it triggered the memories of my own and it wasn’t long before I too had another mini in my life, a 1996 (P Reg) Mini Cooper, christened Pickle. Some of our many adventures in these two cars will be detailed in part two of Mini Obsessions.

I will finish part one with my original Mini City and an intriguing paint query. When the sun was going down, the paint colour on C431 JGT would transform from brown into a hazy purple colour and it looked beautiful. Does anyone know what causes this affect? The image will be forever burnt into my memory. I miss looking at this mini and the sense of pride I felt in owning and driving it. I’ve never felt quite the same way about any other car and certainly not for any other mini.

Some snow causes transport meltdown in UK

It’s been an eventful week logistically in the UK. We awoke on Tuesday morning in Manchester city centre to find we had clearly entered a new ice age. The taxis rank normally wakes us up with their incessant beeping by 7:30, but it was about 11 o’clock before we stirred and looked out the window to see a city covered in snow, ice and more snow and not a taxi in sight. This was not surprising when we ventured out and saw that there was nothing to distinguish path from road surface.

The fact that civilisation as we know it had affectively ended (albeit hopefully temporarily) in the North didn’t seem to concern our London centric ‘national’ news, which barely registered the severity of precipitation north of Watford. That of course changed by Wednesday when they realised it was heading down south and London and the South-East generally went into economic and social meltdown. My mother and father in Surrey have not done a days work since, although they have made sure all the grandparents have been given food rations. On Monday night I had watched the Bolivia Top Gear special (at one point it does look as though Clarkson is going to fall down a ravine in an ancient Range Rover) and wanting my own dangerous car adventure I decided to ignore the overnight snow fall and skate down to the Boddingtons car park, dig out the car and attempt the journey to work.

The Probe never ceases to amaze me with its hardiness. The pictures don’t do justice to the sheer amount of ice and snow it was entombed in.

It was that cold that a thermos flask inside the car, filled with hot water the day before had frozen solid. Yet, it started first time, and with my trusty red seaside spade and ice scrapper, I was slipping and sliding out onto the A6042 in under 15 minutes.

On my way to work I damned nearly drop my phone on a number of occasions trying to take photos of the journey. I have spared the shame of the BMW drivers out there by not taking photos of the many who were stranded. I have counted five of Germanys finest so far, many of which had found that rear wheel drive and automatic gear boxes don’t cope very well in slippery conditions. One Z3 has been abandoned all week outside a Shell Garage and now resembles an oblong shaped igloo, I assume being an aggrieved BMW driver, they just went out and bought a replacement Z4.

I thought cars were supposed to look glamorous in the snow, but then I realised that this notion was subconsciously based on James Bonds Lotus Esprit in For Your Eyes Only. In reality the snow and ice mocks our cars, giving them stupid white humps on their roofs, like ugly roof racks and attaching muddy snow clingers to the wheel arches. The ice also makes you look like you drive like a fool. If you haven’t lost traction whilst trying to accelerate from the lights, you are driving at four miles an hour to avoid careering off the road, whilst braking earlier for traffic than anyone over 70 usually does.

My colleague, a proud Jaguar XF owner has also had an eventful week. Now that Jaguar have successfully built a BMW 5 series, Neil found out that the rear wheel drive, automatic gearbox set up in the XF made him drive like a BMW driver too. On Tuesday, Neil barely made it into work before 10:30 and he had to leave for home at 1:30 pm, in case the slight incline on the road out of the Quays caused the XF to give up and slide to the side of the road. Neil has been very forgiving of the cars shortcomings, but that’s only because he’s glad he still has a car...early on the same morning an unlucky commuter was sitting in the dark, in traffic on Hale Road, when he started to hear strange noises coming from his Peugeot 308. Then on noticing sparks, he pulled into a side road and parked up next to Neil’s sleeping Jaguar XF. The Peugeot promptly set itself alight and followed this with a series of small but flamboyant explosions. Surely only a French car would have the indecency to catch fire whilst driving on a block of ice. Neil awoke and on looking out his window deduced that it was his XF causing the impromptu bonfire. However, on rushing outside it was to his utter relief that it was only a silly French car burning. Acting quickly, Neil bravely moved the XF out of harm’s way.

This is Neil’s surprisingly artistic photo of the fireman attending to the blaze, so fierce that it has melted a small, warped car shape into the tarmac.

Although dramatic Neil did not have the worst week transport wise. This accolade goes to my wife’s sister, who had a very difficult week car-wise in her brown 1980 Austin Mini. On Sunday night I managed to pour half a pint of Newcastle brown ale down her back seats, something she wasn’t best pleased with, especially when having to remove her sopping seat cushions out and clear up the mess at 1:30 am. Her journeys to the Trafford Centre this week have also been a complete nightmare. Her mini being as light as snow has meant virtually no traction. Her solution has been to drive to work in first gear, calculating that if crashing, she couldn’t do much harm to herself or to her precious mini. Her pace has caused a few road rage incidences with drivers of big stupid off-roaders. Having witnessed the smug behaviour of 4x4 drivers over the last week whilst driving the Probe, I can only imagine the hassle that Edel has had in the mini. Well done 4x4 people, I hope you all enjoy the only week EVER where owning a 4x4 actually has a benefit. Theo (as Edel’s mini is called) added insult to injury this morning by failing to start. The Probe meanwhile has taken everything mother nature could throw at it. I love to hate that this car, but having now spent the best part of my twenties explaining to people that its the wife’s, I have to grudgingly accept its growing list of abilities, now added to which is ice skating.

Well done Probe, you have started first time every day, defrosted quickly, you didn’t get stuck in the snow or slip off the road and haven’t yet caught on fire. Thank you.

Dude, Where's My Car? (on classiccarbook.co.uk?)

Delete ‘dude’ and add the word ‘classic’ and suddenly this bad teenage flick title has resonance: ‘Where’s my classic car?’ It’s a ’73 Capri, a Mark 1 Golf, or a Triumph Vitesse etc, etc. They haven’t been mislaid or stolen and they aren’t even my classics. They’re the opening lines of those poignant advertisements in the classic car magazines. Submitted mainly by men like Derek from Dorset, or Clive from Huntingdon who suddenly feel the urge to put pen to paper in a trippy fit of publically displayed nostalgia and regret over a car they owned 30 years ago.

Partly the blame lies with the classic car magazines preying on our latent desires for old cars. Pages packed with an array of engaging stories, their positive words so reassuring, imbued as they are with a sense of excitement that you can relate to and an unshakable faith in out-dated technology that perhaps you can’t, but no matter, you suspend disbelief anyway. These articles draw us in with glossy photos of pristine paintwork and pleasingly familiar lines. They remind you of what made cars great in period and provide you with various reasons why they are still great, and why you should want to own one now. How many times have you read an article and inspired, flicked to the price guide at the back? You scan the pricing, usually in four categories; poor, good, excellent and dealer/ concourse, delusion reigns as you try to ignore the fifth unwritten category ‘cars selected for magazine articles.’ Quite rightly magazines strive to show you the best examples of a model they can find, but are sadly never representative of most of the crap we all gawp at on eBay Motors. In any case, the damage is done, they’ve triggered those unpractical emotions and made you want cars you know are bad for you. You know this because years ago you suffered the inconvenience of owning one of these cars and yet suddenly you want them back.

Derek from Dorset again suddenly desires his Rover P4, forgetting the steering wasn’t opposed to pulling him into the on-coming traffic. Clive from Huntingdon forgets that his old Capri wasn’t averse to setting itself on fire. On the M1. These things have become distant memories, the grown up in us dissolves along with our usual sanity preserving ability to undertake a mental checks and balances list. The minds puppeteer creeps in and temporarily rearranges reality, you find yourself minimising factors such as space, cost, practicality and reliability and maximising factors such as shininess and acoustic satisfaction (yes shiny vroom vroom). And let’s be clear on the cars themselves. The ones we most desire are the ones we have owned and could own again, no rarefied celebrity Ferrari 250 Testa Rossa or a Bugatti Type 41 Royale’s thank you very much. We just want our every day cars from yesteryear, normo cars that have just gotten old, inferred classic status because, despite all the odds, they have avoided the crusher.

This craving for cars that have long since disappeared from our lives defies all reason and yet neatly distils the drama of the classic car obsession. Secretly we know that in all likehood these machines have been crushed long ago and turned into the tumble driers in our kitchens, yet I once saw my mum’s old Nissan Primera in New Malden a few years after we thought it was a goner. However, we are talking about three years rather than thirty since ownership, so road legality wasn’t quite yet in the realm of fantasy. I constantly saw my Austin Maestro years after it was sold, but it was bought by someone very local. The new owner had the worst eczema I had ever seen and I would often see one of his Turkish delight arms poking out the window as he motored by. I couldn’t help imagining the profusion of human dust in my poor old car.

Time for my own ‘have you seen my car?’ advert, which is as follows:

Mini City E, 1985, Registration C431JGT, in Russet Brown. Sold to some kid in the Farnborough area in the early double 00’s it had body work that could be described as near mint and is sadly missed. Any information as to its whereabouts gratefully received. £10 reward waiting for the information leading to its purchase. Please contact https://twitter.com/classiccarman

I could have chosen one of at least ten cars so why the mini.....I would be lying if I said it was because I thought it stood the best chance of survival. I think mostly it is curiosity over its condition. Much in the same way some people wonder how an ex has aged, I wonder how much the mini’s body work has suffered with the ravages of time and whether or not the intermittent engine fault finally consigned it to the scrapper. I really think there is a niche market for a car equivalent of Facebook. Classiccarbook perhaps. I would join and I think Clive and Derek might too. We could all post details of our former cars and ask the world if they know of them....are our cars still alive and if so, can I have at least one of them back?

Rover P6 Sophistication

I know how much of a loser this makes me, but when I was at college, I once spent a whole afternoon wandering the streets of Surrey with the sole purpose of looking for a particular classic car, the Rover P6. I think I secretly hoped that upon finding one, the elderly (imaginary) owner might see me and offer his mint (imaginary) P6 to me for a £150 pounds. I did actually find one, a dark green 2.2TC in Ewell. Staring at someone else’s property for five minutes didn’t make me feel any better about my non classic car ownership or diminish the absurdity of the action. A wasteful afternoon was what it was.

Car obsession has over the years affected personal relationships. It wasn’t until I met my wife that I could honestly say that I loved someone (family aside) more than a car I had owned / might own / might never own but loved anyway. I got hold of my first Rover P6 some months after the Rover walkabout incident and meant my college girlfriend thereafter suffered the consequences. The classic car in question was a money burning monster in Avocado Green, bought from an RAF chap for £160 pounds and dragged out of deepest Surrey one Sunday morning on the back of a rented tow truck.

The car was truly an obsession and why not. Despite a couple of rust holes in the ‘bolt on’ wings, the monocoque base was immaculate and so was the burnt orange box pleat interior, albeit a bit musty. I spent hours marvelling at the sheer quality of the dash materials and the clever design details. The best surely is the way the controls for the heater, lights and window wipers are all different shapes so you can identity by touch which one is which without taking your eyes off the road. My P6 didn’t work though, it just sat on the drive staring at me all day and meant clever design details quickly lost their appeal. Its permanent inertia merely fuelled the obsession and in the process turned me into a mean, introverted and uncaring person. Six agonising months of slavish expenditure later won me an MOT certificate and lost me a girlfriend. It wasn’t the money spent she objected to, it was the amount of thinking time I set over for the car itself. As you all know, there is much to think on when you own a classic. Many hours (read majority of) were spent simply imagining the driving experience of the P6. The journeys I would take, all those country and coastal roads and the night drives into central London. The car that tells everyone how grown up and sophisticated I am. Pathetic notions indeed, but this was my first proper classic after all and as it turned out I needed all the imagination I could muster, as it barely lasted a month. My local garage wanted £1200 to replace the clutch, a sum that was six times more than I had paid for the car and nearly as much as I had spent on the new exhaust and brake overhaul. Sophisticated or grown up it was not. I looked exactly what I was in my P6, a slightly odd 18 year old with no friends. Even in the month it was road legal, how I thought this particular car was going to achieve the above aims I don’t know. Avocado green as you might well imagine was exactly that, accept that avocados is not what one first associates with this particular shade of green. Yes I looked like I was driving round in a big rusty bogey.

The classic car obsession means we humanise cars, imparting to them not only human characteristics but free will and the ability to exercise it. I have read comments from more than one classic car owner to the affect of ‘my classic new exactly how much money I had left in my wallet as that’s how much it took to fix’...or...’the car waits until I get a bonus and then it breaks’ etc etc. If this was the case, my Rover misjudged the finances badly. It couldn’t hide behind its worthless MOT certificate forever, when your car won’t move, this piece of paper becomes an irrelevance. Or maybe it just didn’t like me. Whatever the reason, I left for college one morning knowing that by the time I got back the Rover would have left my life forever and in the same manner it had arrived, on the back of tow truck. It broke my classic car heart to see it go, girlfriend or no girlfriend, I loved that bloody thing.

2 + 2 = Classic Car

“...Lorry, red lorry, red lorry, red lorry, red lorry, red...” Yes, when I was nearly three years old, I repeated this phrase for a whole 18 hours straight. I went to sleep saying it and woke up the next day, still babbling the phrase in constant repetition. Ok, so it was a lorry rather than a motor car, but at that age I don’t think I pondered the distinction. What was important was that it had four wheels, an engine and it was red (obviously the latter was of particular significance to me at the time). Although this period of early psychological dysfunction may disturb some of you, it was certainly an early indicator of the obsession taking hold and something I am no doubt wrong in feeling quite proud of. Can anyone else boast of suffering from some kind of car related breakdown of the physiological kind? I’m adamant some of you can. (Surely its no worse than having an imaginary friend...? Yes apparently I had one of those too...called Durn).

Car obsession has its place though and like any addiction, you may find yourself returning to it in times of stress. During my GCSE exams I was utterly obsessed with the Caterham Super Seven and I don’t just mean during this period in my life, I mean I was thinking about this car whilst undertaking the actual exam papers. The car represented escape and freedom and although it’s tempting to blame Colin Chapman for the state of my GSCE Maths grade, surely day dreaming about cars is an escape into our imagination when reality gets too boring. I really would love to have a go in a Caterham.

Surely the cars we choose to think about says a lot about who we are, or who we would like to be, at any particular moment. Recently I became obsessed with another Lotus, the classic Esprit.This obsession was structured ar

ound a number of real world considerations. It’s a fairly reliable classic and one I could drive to business meetings. It would also be a kind of statement about my lifestyle choices (read no kids thank goodness, so no need for back seats). Its also a classic piece of British engineering, with classic ‘pop up’ head lights. The very last factor is my wife’s concern. She loves pop up head lights and wonders why more cars don’t have them. We haven’t yet bought an Esprit, as my wife is very attached to her Ford Probe which also has pop up head lights. I am therefore stuck on how to promote the Lotus as a more attractive car? Who gives a damn for aerodynamics or fuel efficiency when an essentially mechanical gimmick is bestowed such weighty importance.

When we first purchased the Probe, I thought it had the design inadequacy of not being able to flash the head lights quickly, as you might do when letting someone out of a side road, or want to bestow permission to a pedestrian to cross in front of you. I thought you had to pop up the lights every time you needed to perform the motoring equivalent of Morse code, i.e. flashing your lights in a certain order to communicate with other road users. Most of us have become casually acquainted to some version of ‘flash code’. Personally I flash once to let a pedestrian cross the road and two flashes to let a car out of a side road. In all cases three flashes or more means hurry up and get out of my bloody way). It was taking me an inordinate amount of time to locate the column stalk light switch to operate the front beam, which was initially very distracting and dangerous. I did a whole week of nearly knocking people over as I fumbled for the head lights and like a twit, wondered why I was getting funny looks. I felt quite the dunce when I realised the Probe has front spot lights, visible at all times within the front bumper and operational without the need to pop up anything. These smaller lights could be flashed in the normal manner, with minimal fuss and at a moments notice. But I’m sure most of you already know this.

Next I would like to introduce you to an example of the Rover P6. It wasn’t my first car, but it was my first classic car obsession that wasn’t just a day dream. Ownership was a test of sanity, but that’s all in the next blog.